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The Onion

Judge Rules White Girl Will Be Tried As Black Adult

Four American Troops Tragically Killed Along With 23 Afghanis

FDA Official: "Just Eat A Goddamn Vegetable"

Situation In Nigeria Seems Pretty Complex

The Onion's Future News From The Year 2137

Inside The Onion News Network

Missing Teen's Friends Go On TV To Plead For Her Release, Gossip About Ugly Classmates

How To Channel Your Road Rage Into Cold, Calculating Road Revenge

'9/11 Conspiracy Theories Ridiculous' - Al Qaeda

Ho, Ho, Ho! I Saw You Masturbating!

Apple Introduces Revolutionary New Laptop With No Keyboard

Political Talk Show Host Suddenly Very Interested In Manslaughter Law Loopholes

Prison Economy Spirals As Price Of Pack Of Cigarettes Surpasses Two Hand Jobs

Reporters Blow Up Plane, Expose Security Lapses

Al Qaeda Also Fed Up With Ground Zero Construction Delays

Multiple Stab Wounds May Be Harmful To Monkeys

US Schools Trail World In Child Soldier Aptitude

Autistic Reporter, Michael Falk, Enchanted By Prison's Rigid Routine

Man Attempts To Assassinate Obama, 'But Not Because He's Black Or Anything'